I had another blip. I know, I know, I need to remember to take the happy pills EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s my fault. Mostly. And some of it’s life’s fault. I’m not feeling it at the moment, life. It’s just not going that well. I think it will click one of these days, though, and instead of waking up feeling like I’m sinking in mud, clawing desperately at the grassy bank and wanting the clocks to go back six hours so I don’t have to get up, I’ll spring out of bed, smile, sing a little song and skip downstairs. Just like everyone else does.
It is difficult to see things for what they are when you are stuck in the middle of darkness, when you just want to scratch everything out and start all over again, when nothing looks like it will ever be OK again. And it is difficult to see how others feel at that time too.
My mum asked me a question today that I couldn’t answer. Luckily it was via email, so I just glossed over it. She asked me if everyone was getting it right in terms of how they should behave when I’m having a bad time. I have no clue how anyone should behave. Sometimes just the presence of others is enough to drive me into a screaming rage, sometimes I need someone to coax me into talking about how I feel and why – I’m not good at this, and this is a big part of the problem. I need to talk more about the important stuff. Sometimes I want to know someone is there, that I’m not alone. It’s difficult for me to know how I feel when I can’t think straight and I just want everything to stop, let alone how I want others to act around me. But it must be twice as difficult for them, not knowing how to be and not knowing what I’m feeling or why.
To everyone who has had to deal with me this week: sorry.
The thing is, I have known this little blip has been coming for a couple of weeks. I’ve been snappy, impatient, and angry, generally feeling a lot like this if I so much as find the biscuit tin is empty:
I really should have taken steps to sort it when I knew it was coming. I should have checked my tablets, or taken a bit of time out for myself, but I went with my usual way of dealing with a problem, which is to ignore it and trust that it will sort itself out.
And I ended up a lonely, sobbing mess, unable to stop the tears, and feeling like I was suffocating inside a well while the world collapsed on top of me.
I feel as if I’m losing control of…….everything. My life. Apart from my two beautiful babies, there’s not much going on that’s truly enjoyable, and there doesn’t seem to be much I can do to change things. It makes me feel trapped, and I don’t like being trapped. I also don’t like heights, or fire, or wasps, or sport, but feeling trapped makes me feel helpless and like a victim, and they’re two other things that I really don’t like. But do you know what? Re-arranging furniture and throwing out clothes and other useless junk goes a long way to helping to feel like control is being regained. That’s how I spent my last two days; cleaning, hoovering, sweating, lifting, dragging and carrying, in my pj’s, sometimes with a baby strapped to my front, occasionally stopping to feed said baby, to drink coffee, and to cry a little bit more.
Today I had a shower and got dressed. An improvement. The Boyfriend, The Princess, Little Pea and I even ventured out the house to do the food shopping, although mixing with rude, smelly, shouting people didn’t do a huge amount to lift my mood. Neither did the shopping bill.
As some wise man once said, this too shall pass. And it will. I just need to make a few adjustments in this shitty life so that there’s less chance of it happening again. And I promise to try to make my next post a little more cheerful, it’s all getting a bit bleak round here.
And thank you to my amazing family for all your help and support this week xx