A few weeks ago, I felt Little Pea move. Just a tiny fluttery, bubbly sensation (no, it definitely wasn’t wind) but a definite sensation. Two days ago The Boyfriend felt Little Pea move. Suddenly the Pea is big enough to make his or her presence felt in the outside world. At 19 weeks old, Little Pea is a part of everyone’s life, not just my own. This amazes me, and it terrifies me.
I am, of course, thrilled that in a matter of months we will be a family of four, that The Baby will be a big sister, and that I will be mummy to two beautiful (I know Little Pea will be beautiful, I don’t have to wait for the birth to know this) babies. I am also petrified of being a family of four, of regressing to hourly feeds day and night, of the impending sleep deprivation, and of being mummy to two babies. It is all very scary and all very suddenly real. The jumps in my tummy that can now be felt by others are testament to just how real this whole thing is. And I’m scared.
I’m scared of doing a bad job. I constantly question my ability as a mum, and I feel being a mum of two will test not only my parenting skills, in which I have very little faith, but also my patience, and my sanity. I fear for everyone around me, not least of all my offspring. Not only do I question my motherliness, but I compare myself to other mums. Other mums I have never met, other mums I conjure up in my head, other mums who do a wonderful, perfect job with smiles, and energy, and boundless enthusiasm. I know of no mums like this in real life, yet they are ever-present in my mind, jeering and smirking at my lack of motivation, my laziness, my terrible organisation and my short-temper.
I would very much like to be a perfect mum, but when I sit and think about it, and I mean really think about it, I know there is no such thing. I know this is my silly head, my silly search for perfection where perfection does not exist, and this is the thing I am concentrating on from now on. It’s not really a New Year’s resolution, but it is a new focus for the year. Stop imagining imaginary stuff is happening with imaginary people, and concentrate on enjoying the real stuff that is actually happening with real people right now. Eloquent it is not, but it could just save my sanity when Little Pea finally joins us.