All In My Head

A few weeks ago, I felt Little Pea move.  Just a tiny fluttery, bubbly sensation (no, it definitely wasn’t wind) but a definite sensation.  Two days ago The Boyfriend felt Little Pea move.  Suddenly the Pea is big enough to make his or her presence felt in the outside world.  At 19 weeks old, Little Pea is a part of everyone’s life, not just my own.  This amazes me, and it terrifies me.

I am, of course, thrilled that in a matter of months we will be a family of four, that The Baby will be a big sister, and that I will be mummy to two beautiful (I know Little Pea will be beautiful, I don’t have to wait for the birth to know this) babies.  I am also petrified of being a family of four, of regressing to hourly feeds day and night, of the impending sleep deprivation, and of being mummy to two babies.  It is all very scary and all very suddenly real.  The jumps in my tummy that can now be felt by others are testament to just how real this whole thing is.  And I’m scared.

I’m scared of doing a bad job.  I constantly question my ability as a mum, and I feel being a mum of two will test not only my parenting skills, in which I have very little faith, but also my patience, and my sanity.  I fear for everyone around me, not least of all my offspring.  Not only do I question my motherliness, but I compare myself to other mums.  Other mums I have never met, other mums I conjure up in my head, other mums who do a wonderful, perfect job with smiles, and energy, and boundless enthusiasm.  I know of no mums like this in real life, yet they are ever-present in my mind, jeering and smirking at my lack of motivation, my laziness, my terrible organisation and my short-temper.

I would very much like to be a perfect mum, but when I sit and think about it, and I mean really think about it, I know there is no such thing.  I know this is my silly head, my silly search for perfection where perfection does not exist, and this is the thing I am concentrating on from now on.  It’s not really a New Year’s resolution, but it is a new focus for the year.  Stop imagining imaginary stuff is happening with imaginary people, and concentrate on enjoying the real stuff that is actually happening with real people right now.  Eloquent it is not, but it could just save my sanity when Little Pea finally joins us.

Ideal Big Sister material?

8 Comments

Filed under The (Dummy) Mummy

8 Responses to All In My Head

    • Thank you, and yes she is beautiful. She is also the devil-incarnate at times. Bless you for saying so anyway, and I hope things will soon start to get easier for you and BB xx

  1. When I was expecting Girl2 I had panicky thoughts. I was just about holding it together with one, how would I cope with two? But we did. You’re right, there are no perfect mothers, just lots of folk muddling through in their own wee ways.
    I used to see a woman on our street every morning with perfectly behaved children. They walked neatly together, wearing hats and scarves and gloves and never losing anything. We hurtled out of the house, paraphernalia trailing, and somebody/ everybody crying. Imagine my joy the day one of her children got shouted at, and I realised that she, too, was a real mummy, not a perfect one. That poor woman’s moment of anger has kept me sane ever since!

    • I do love how other people’s misfortune keeps one going sometimes! Cruel as it is. Nice to know I’m not alone in panicky thoughts, though x

  2. We too are expecting our second this year, Matilda will be 14 months when the sprout is born, I think it’s perfectly normal and human to be worried about having 2, lets be honest it isn’t going to be easy, but also this time round you won’t make the same mistakes again and you’ll have a much better idea about what your baby needs.
    All else fails you can just train The Baby to bring you cups of tea

    • Congratulations! How lovely to have two so close together. I like the tea-making training idea. I might just extend it to nappy-changing, bed-making, washing-machine operating, and hoovering…child labour’s still OK, right?

  3. Do you know what – all this is so NORMAL!! Guilt comes so easily to us parents – I have no idea why – but we all do guilt so perfectly – and worry and anxiety equally as perfectly. Tha baby is beautiful and loved and well adjusted, with 2 lovely parents. Little Pea will be equally so – with or without your guilt and worry and anxiety. So enjoy the anticipation – and know that you will be good enough – even if a little tired and sleep-deprived xxxx

  4. There is definitely no such thing as the perfect mum but I think it’s only natural to compare yourself to others, there is always something to feel guilty about! You will be great, you have a lovely little girl already and it is not going to be anywhere near as hard the second time round because you will be a pro! I know what you mean though about being scared, there are loads of things that I worry about when thinking about the next, it’s natural and once you meet your new arrival it will all be forgotten 🙂 xx

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