The Depressive and The Pea

I had forgotten just how tiring pregnancy is.  Ridiculously, achingly, temper-shorteningly, tiring.  Every morning I wake up in disbelief that it’s actually morning (although sometimes I wake up courtesy of The Baby and it’s not actually morning), every afternoon I am desperate for a few hours’ sleep, and every evening I’m in bed well before 9pm.  And no amount of sleep is ever enough.  It’s like an addiction; a little bit leads to cravings for more and more and more, and when I get more, I need even more.  Shame you can’t buy sleep on the black market.

I’ve found this first stage of pregnancy, both last time and this time, quite difficult to get through.  Nothing to do with the pregnancy itself, I love being pregnant, I love that my body is creating a home for our new family member.  I just think feeling horrendously sick from the minute I get up to the minute I fall asleep at night, and feeling horribly exhausted, and having pain extending from my forehead all down my face most days, and not yet having any visible or palpable reason for it all, is difficult to deal with.  That’s not strictly true, the non-visible part.  My clothes are definitely tighter and my waist looks less like a waist and more like an overfilled sack of flour, lumpy and huge.  But not yet baby-shaped, and that’s what’s difficult.  I’m so looking forward to feeling the first fluttering of kicking legs and flailing arms, and having the roundness of a proper pregnant bump, I’m literally counting down the weeks.

The other thing I am finding really difficult, which I didn’t think I would but I have no idea why I didn’t, is reducing my antidepressants.  I had just started to feel more like me, more able to cope with life, more energetic, when I found out I was pregnant.  Even though I’m still taking them but slowly reducing the dose, I feel anxious every day that they must be harming Little Pea.  With this reduced dose, I am noticing that I’m not coping with things as much; The Baby’s tantrums and tiredness, her refusal to sleep, her refusal to hear me when I tell her to stop doing something, the pile of dishes and laundry and clothes to sort out, the unfinished decorating, the mess everywhere.  I am not coping with it at all.  Which makes me realise that I am not yet ready to be off these tablets completely.  Which makes me worry I am going to harm Little Pea.  Which makes me anxious and feel like a terrible, selfish mum.  Which makes me want to come off the tablets completely and be a good, selfless mum.  Which makes me worry because I don’t think I can.  And repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

In a perfect world there would be absolute, definitive proof that antidepressants cause no problems to an unborn baby, and things would be so simple.  Unfortunately things are rarely simple, and it now comes down to whether risking problems with Little Pea outweighs the risk to my state of mind and being able to be a functioning mum to The Baby, and a functioning girlfriend, sister, daughter, friend, employee, colleague, and woman.  I’ve still not drawn a conclusion yet.  I’ll let you know.

 

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16 Comments

Filed under Breastfeeding, The (Dummy) Mummy

16 Responses to The Depressive and The Pea

  1. You cope the best you can, and you do what’s right for you. Remember to be kind to yourself.

  2. I was on Citalopram the whole way through my pregnancy with Mya. I struggled with Pre-natal depression but managed to wean myself off them to breastfeed. I was put back on them not long after giving up breastfeeding at 6 weeks post partum. I think if you need anti depressants then don’t feel bad about taking them. I stayed on my antidepressants because my GP said it was probably better than the risk of stress on the pregnancy. I hope things improve for you soon.
    Natasha xx

  3. Zoe

    Like Natasha I was on Citalopram the whole time I was pregnant, but also whilst breastfeeding up until K was about 4 months old. I didn’t actually know that there were any specific risks from taking Citalopram, and I was so worried about getting post natal depression that I thought I’d be better off taking it as a preventative. At 4 months I was really struggling and went to my GP who told me that Citalopram was not recommended during breastfeeding as it is present at high levels in breastmilk and prescribed me Seroxat instead. But as I was coming off the Citalopram I decided just to see what would happen if I was drug-free for a while (having been on it for a few years) and thankfully I never ended up taking the Seroxat. Anyway my point is that K is absolutely fine and she has had no side-effects. I think the drug companies just have to cover their own backsides.
    It is possible that you are struggling at the moment due to the withdrawal rather than depression returning. Either way I hope you feel better soon.

  4. Hope all is going well Anna,

    Congratulations

    xxx

  5. Anonymous

    Hello

    I stopped taking my tablet (Sertraline) when I wanted to get pregnant with my second child. I was a complete wreck, and was hospitalised four times between 16 and 28 weeks for being a puddle of depression. In the end they made me go back on the tablets and refused to let me leave hospital until I was assigned a CPN to help me through to the end (he was wonderful by the way).

    My daughter was fine. 5 days early perfect in every way. They kept us in for 48 hours to monitor her but there was no issues, and I breastfed her for 10 months, while continuing to take the tabs. She is the happiest, cheekiest, bossiest girl.

    I don’t think there are problems associated with taking tablets while pregnant, but they’d rather be safe than sorry. If there is a danger that you won’t make it through, and I nearly didn’t, then take them, knowing you are doing the best thing for your baby. xxxxxx

  6. I am so late on this…but CONGRATULATIONS! Keep on keeping on, the first stage will be over soon and the tiredness will lift like a big black cloud buggering off somewhere else. You’re doing a great job. xx

    • Thank you m’lovely, you’re very sweet. And OF COURSE The Baby and Frog have the same advent calendar, it would be stranger if they didn’t! Bet mine looks crapper than yours tho x

  7. Pingback: Post-natal Depression: Who Cares? « dummymummy.co.uk

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