I was told a story today about an overdose.  It was an attempted suicide.  It was, as intimated, unsuccessful, and the life in question still remains on this earth.

I heard this story from the mum of the distressed soul, and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

As a mum, I cannot begin to imagine the profound pain of knowing your child, your precious, beautiful baby, is so hurt and anguished that they no longer want to live.  This life, this soul, who was once a part of you, who once slept and cuddled up close at night, feels that their life is not precious, is not special, is not worth a thing.  I have no idea how deep that pain must run, as a mum.

As someone who has struggled with depression for years, who has thought (on many occasions, yet never taken serious action) how much better off others in my life would be if I were no longer around, and how peaceful my head would be if the thoughts and emotions were permanently silenced, the thought of waking up to the realisation that it didn’t work must be equally as painful.  A very different kind of painful, but painful all the same.

To feel that life no longer has anything to offer, nor you it, to accept this as fact and act to fatally change it, must take a certain amount of determination and resolution, no matter how misplaced others may think it is.  To suddenly find yourself awake, alive, the hurt and agony that drove you to this point still there, searing and unresolved, yet now a cloud of failure and disappointment enveloping it, swathing you with the reminder that you tried to find peace but couldn’t, that must hurt deeply too.

I have been both of these people in this tragic story, the mother and the depressive.

These dark thoughts occasionally still creep and slither around my mind but the mother in me is strong, stronger than I had ever realised, and she is conquering the dark corners of my head.

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13 thoughts on “Life

  1. More people need to write honestly and openly about depression, so thank you so much for your post. It is painful, and terrifying, but I really believe that the less unknown depression is, the less damaging it will be.

    • Thanks, Clare, I feel like this too. I think depression is still very taboo and unspoken, and as a result, there is still a lot of shame and embarrassment attached to it. If more people spoke about it, then maybe the mental health provisions in this country would improve, because at the moment they’re pretty dire.
      Thanks for reading and commenting x

  2. I have been both of these people too, like you I have never taken any serious action but there have been a few times when I have wanted to. My Mum has various mental health issues and as a result me and my siblings had a pretty crazy life, it all came to peak a few years ago when I was having panic attacks and suffering with really bad anxiety and depression. I think (and hope) I have been though the worst. I know what you mean about the mum in you taking over, having Iyla has helped me so much because it stopped me having time to think about myself so much. I love your honesty in your posts and I am really happy you are strong enough to push those dark thoughts away xx

    • I didn’t realise you had been through all this. I’ve had depression on and off for years, but the anxiety is new and it’s awful isn’t it? I think it’s something you learn to live with, rather than cure, but it’s amazing how much strength babies give you x

      • It really is, having Iyla has helped a lot on the one hand as I can try not to focus on it too much but then on the other hand it has given me so much more to worry about which can fuel my anxiety. I completely agree about it being something that can only be controlled instead of cured, I have learnt to cope with it a lot better but I know I will never be free of it. It’s just about trying to stop it taking over I guess xx

  3. Thanks for commenting on my post about a similar situation.I haven’t talked much about depression for a long while and it was good to get it out.Being a mother certainly put things into perspective and I get my strength from that.

    • It is amazing what strength motherhood gives you, especially at times when you really don’t feel that strong. I said on your post, and I’ll say it again here, you’re an incredibly strong person to cope with what you have, and I really admire you x

    • Oh Michelle that’s so sad. It really is tragic when someone so young can’t see another answer to their problems. I can’t imagine how his family must be feeling.
      Thank you for reading x

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